Sunday, July 28, 2013



Day four of our new life together. Scott and I are laying quietly together atop a lounger, under an enormous burgundy umbrella.  We are sitting only feet away from the bright, crystal clear waters of the Caribbean.
A gentle breeze carries with it island music as it delivers cool relief.  I am gazing at this water, gorgeous and vivid in its perfect hues.  My hand sifts through the white sand, so soft it comforts me.
I see a trail of sweat travel down Scott's temple.  He is hot.  I know he is hot, and he knows I know he is hot. Yet this is where he wants me to be, wedged between his legs, head on his chest.  I quietly grab my towel, wet it and dab it at his face.  He smiles in his sleep and it lights up the sky.  As he peaks out of one eye, his smile breaks free, and my life lights up as my own smile explodes into the heavens.  How I love this incredible man!
I feel his hand on my belly as he pulls me back down to him.  I nestle into that space I know so well.  My perfect man leans in to kiss my head and dozes off again with a contented sigh.

In this stillness I gaze out onto that endlessly perfect water, knowing it mimics the time we have spent here.  Out across this serene sea I stare to what will be, knowing that all that surrounds me now lacks reality, an illusion.  And I look out,  far away,  to a land I do not know.  To a place where our new life together will begin.  To a life I am completely unsure as to how to survive.  A role so obscure that I have no way to mentally prepare and no manual to guide me.

How am I to tread these waters, knowing that I am sooo not ready?  

For I know what life can offer.  It is a place where the seas are not always a perfect hue, calm as still water, or continually warm and inviting.  For I have seen its storms, the reality of life.  And what I have seen can be rocky, cold, and hard and will hurt you when you fall.
How can he not see that I'm not ready? 
 How can he possibly not know?  How can he not understand? For I am so far away from what he needs, from what he deserves, from who he is. 
Why doesn't he see who really lives inside this shell?  Who lives below this skin, this hair, these eyes;
That just below this exterior, in the soul of his brand new wife, lives just a little girl.
Inexperienced in life.
Inexperienced in love.
Inexperienced in loving.
Really, just a little girl.
Who's still afraid to be home all alone.
Who has no idea how long to boil potatoes.
Who, no matter how many romance novels were crammed in before her wedding night,
was not ready.
Who feels utterly consumed with fear when forced to coincide within his professional world,
when directed to stand by his side, as the wife of this nearly perfect man.
How can he not know?
And why can't he see my absolute terror of disappointing him?
When he will be forced to use these beautiful and gentle hands against me.....
The ones that have held and loved me,
that comfort and guide me, and have
 lifted me over obstacles.
These are the hands
that will hold me to punish me
That he may re-direct me.
Hands that will cause me to fear,
to plead, to weep,
when I have run astray.
For he refuses to allow me to stay where I feel comfortable,
where I have run wild-
Out of the confines of my established walls,
 beyond the safety of common sense,
to search for playgrounds unseen.
But he will hold me
In the sanctuary of his arms.
And he will allow himself to correct,
in order to save.


And because it really does matter:



  1. Pippi

    What a beautiful story you told you told it touched my heart deeply in the how you trust your husband to lead you through the rough times and to cherish you as you deserve.
    Thank you for the Mickey Mouse picture it is wonderful


    1. Thank You, Bob. To go back and remember those feelings, and to see how far I have (or have not) come is a learning experience in itself. I guess each day in life is a new lesson, and to stop learning would cause us to stop living. It's amazing how each new life event, whether a new situation, a new friend, a sermon heard, or even a "lesson" given in love, can help you to surpass the insecurities and imbalances of youth. Thank you for being a part of that growth. You are a true and endearing friend. Pippi

  2. Pippi,
    A touching portrait of how you view your life.
    Are any of us prepared for what lies ahead? Do any of us lack fear as we gaze into what we dream of, long for or hope will be?
    The most we can hope for is a compass to guide us which we have in the Spirit, a map to travel by which we have in His word and a companion to share the journey which we have in our mate. These are the blessings we've been given.
    The remainder is by His design and for His glory.
    Love and hugs~ Cat

    1. Catrinka, There have never been words of greater wisdom. They have touched me more than you will ever know. I have found, in dark, dark days of my past, and in moments now where confusion and insecurity have taken my peace, that if I allow myself to meditate on that priceless Word of God, and slip into the promises that God makes to us, I can turn my mind back around and rest in the complete peace that He, through His priceless Holy Spirit gives! And then hopefully, one day, I can give ALL of it back for His glory!!

      Thank you!

  3. Pippi,
    That was a very loving beginning to your married life. It shows how much trust you have for your husband to put your well-being in his hands. You have really been courageous to open up and show others that even tho you were scared and unsure, you took that leap of faith and it may not always be easy but it is so worth it.You are certainly one special young woman.

    1. Gwen, in knowing Scott since I was so young, and really only having him as a serious relationship, I have learned to trust him in everything. He has seen me through the worst and the best. He also had to endure my growing up and out, my quest for independence and adventure! For someone so highly protective, this has been hard for both of us! Luckily, tho, he is able to be patient while understanding, and has held true to consistency. I have always known my boundaries and his expectations, this makes it so much easier. Therefore, when I travel in my quest for adventure, the thought of my Hoh Husband is never far from mind!!

      Thank you for sharing with me!!
      xoxox Pippi

  4. This is beautiful! I love the honesty and emotion. You write beautifully. Even years and years later, these feelings of self-doubt and fear's hard leaving ourselves open like this...wanting so hard to please, but sometimes not knowing how to do so. A daily focusing on what is I am chanting to myself "focus off myself, focus off myself." Sometimes it's the only thing I know to do!

    1. JG, It seems I will never be totally be free of my self-doubt, fear or insecurities. But luckily I am not facing them alone. Scott has lead me every step of the way. It is only when I allow my insecurities to rule my brain and not trust myself or my Hoh, that things get all amuck. I am learning daily, tho, to trust in my heart and who I am as his Tih. He constantly reinforces his love for both me and our marriage. This is humbling, and a true gift.

      Thank you so much for sharing my memories with me!! Who knew I'd ever do this!! lolol
      xox Pippi

  5. Hi Pippi,

    I've just found your blog and wanted to say Hi :)

    This is such a lovely post, so full of emotion and beautifully written. I love the trust you have put in your husband. This post really touched my heart :)


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